Little Miss, Little Miss, Little Miss Can't Be Wrong

A meandering meditation on the malevolence of mathematics - written with pencil and paper while not paying attention in class; later transcribed while listening to hits of the nineties 

And on to Chapter 10! Math class just got twice as bothersome. We are now required to shut our computers while the instructor discusses the lesson. The girl across the room is sitting in a chair that squeaks. I can't tell if that sound is more annoying than the instructor's voice or not. His voice puts me to sleep, he has the worst grammar, and he speaks with a lisp. How am I going to survive the rest of this class without the comfort of the fifth wall? There is nothing to shield me now. I feel quite exposed. It's like being back in high school. Scratch that. It's like being back in middle school. That's the level of math we are at in here.

I feel obnoxious with my graphing calculator. Pretentious, ridiculous. This class makes me feel stupid. Not because I don't understand the material, but because I actually do understand it. This is seriously low level stuff. But I guess that's the level I'm at. Numbers were never my thing. They don't fit together in my head the way words do. But this? This ridiculousness? This stuff is so very easy for me. And that just tells me how elementary it is.

I think part of the reason I always struggled with math is my need to understand why. Why are these the rules and what do they mean? How do they work? And my little brain could just not wrap itself around all these theories and concepts. So whenever I looked at an equation I would stare at the different components and try to understand why. But the thing is, there is no real "why". Things just are. I'm sure there are "whys" and anyone who knows math well enough could probably explain them to me. But there is no way I'll ever understand them. All of that is way beyond me.

Another reason I hate math is the simple fact that I hate being wrong. And more often than not, I'm wrong when it comes to numbers. So I never really tried in math. It was easier to just give up than risk being wrong again and again. It's the perfectionist in me. If I can't do it perfect, I won't do it at all. Another personality flaw.

And so, after many years of battling numbers, I am left with the notion that I will never understand them, and I don't really care to try.