Happy Halloween And All That Drivel

Well here it is. The end of October.

Earlier this month, I set a goal for this blog. I wanted to post something everyday. It was a simple goal. But this goal was doomed to fail from the start since I didn't think of it until the second of October. And so I altered it to posting 31 times before the end of the month. One post for each day in October. Alas, I have not met this goal. As I'm writing this, I only have 20 posts (not including this one). But you know what? I still think that's pretty good and I'll just try again next month.

October is usually my favorite month. And not just because of my birthday (though that is no small part of it). It's when the leaves start to change and the air gets crisp. The weather is constantly in flux. You never know what the next day will bring. Rain? Snow? A random, unwanted heatwave? October is deliciously unpredictable. And it smells amazing.

But this October has not been kind to me and I'm not sorry to see it go. I'm ready for November.

Unnamed Segment

Still don't have a name for this. I keep waiting for one to just come to me, but it's not working. 

Anywho, this is a poem I wrote years and years ago. I was just trying to describe myself and how I can never seem to find the middle. I'm always one or the other. No balance. No happy medium. Now it kinda reminds me of that song "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. Love that video by the way. Classic 90's.

Range

Cynical when necessary
Optimistic if possible
Dreamy when I feel like it
But forever thinking logical
Justice in my heart
Fantasies in my head
And a hungry curiosity
That demands to be fed
Tense in the morning
Gracious by the noon
Relaxed in the evening
Knowing night is coming soon
Perfection when I want it
Or rebellion if it’s right
A peaceful nature always
Until I want to fight
Quiet and contemplative
Obnoxious and loud
Humble and forgiving
Resentful and proud
A realist but a dreamer
When the day eventually ends
Who I’ll be tomorrow
Well, that all depends

By Jamie Rueckert 

They Paved Paradise for This

I meander through parking lots multiple times everyday. Not an exciting way to start a story, I know, but bear with me. Actually this isn't really a story at all. I'm just bored and feel like writing. But the thing is, I can't think of anything interesting to write about. So I'm just going to list off some random things I noticed today as I moseyed through the parking lots.

First thing I noticed on my walk was a shiny new silver Ford Mustang. Now, I'm not a car person and I don't pretend to be. Usually, if it has four wheels and works, I call it good. But for some reason I've always had a thing for Mustangs. When I go through my mid-life crisis, I will probably buy one on impulse. Anyway, as I was checking the one type of car that I actually care about, I noticed something I found to be rather odd. Hanging from the rear view mirror was a rainbow air freshener. I don't know why, but I found this image incongruous. I made a confused face and moved on.

In my next few steps I was to stumble upon a picture even more puzzling. A few yards from the Mustang with the questionable air freshener. I found a black Chevy Blazer parked inconspicuously enough. But something was amiss. Was it the rude bumper sticker? Was it the Iowa license plates? No. It was the pumpkin sitting on the roof. It wasn't smashed, or carved, or even painted. It was just a pumpkin. A pumpkin perched upon the middle of a vehicle's roof. It wasn't even that big of a pumpkin. It's moments like this that I wish I had decent camera on my phone because then I could offer you photographic evidence.

The last thing I noticed today didn't just stay in the parking lot. It followed me all the way back the apartment. I have long been plagued by sightings of these little deviants. They seem to be everywhere. Once you notice them, you can't stop noticing them in the strangest places. I'm speaking, of course, of socks. There was a sock trying to blend in with the leaves in the gutter. There was a sock hiding in the corner of the south stairwell. And there was a sock sitting plain as day in the middle of the hallway. Why are there always socks?!

Scooterpie

My Principles of Selling class is an odd one. During the 50 minutes I'm in here, everyone talks about every other than the principles of selling. We travel  down the most random roads and end up talking about the strangest things. I don't mind this. It's usually mildly entertaining.

But some of these people. Some of these people will not shut up. I know too much about these people and I don't even know their names. For instance, the guy across the room went to a Halloween party as the Hamburglar. Why was this information shared in this class? I have no idea.








A few moments later, I find out that the same gentleman enjoys calling scooters 'scooterpies.' He doesn't know why though. It's just something he does. (side note: this kid talks all the freaking time in this class. over the course of the last few weeks I have learned he works at Pizza Hut, likes to use the word 'righteous' because he thinks it's still cool, and a bunch of other things I don't care about.)

The girl a few rows ahead of me is wearing a beanie over a baseball hat. Why? The instructor asks and she says she doesn't want her head to get cold. Everyone laughs. I don't. I think she looks ridiculous. But to each his own I guess.

And now somehow we're talking about the price of Sirius Radio and where to find the best deals on it. How does this happen?

And these are the reasons I blog during this class.

Regrets

We all have them. Even those people who insist that they live their lives without them. Bullshit. You can try, and that's perfectly commendable, but you're not going to succeed 100% of the time. Sorry.

If you're a human being with a soul, a conscience, or any sort of empathy for your fellow man, you are going to have regrets. It's inevitable. Whether it's a harsh words spoken in the heat of battle, blatantly using someone, or not going after what you want, people will have regrets. It's a part of life.

The best thing I can think to do is just accept it. Recognize the fact that you screwed up. Feel guilty for a moment or two. Then move on. It's okay to have regrets. Just don't let them hold you back or bring you down.

Easier said than done, I know. Boy, do I know. But at least I deal with my regrets. At least I don't ignore them; let them fester. Because if you don't acknowledge them, that doesn't make them go away. They will still be there, right under the surface, affecting your life in subtle ways. And sometimes not so subtle ways.

There was once a time I refused to acknowledge my regrets. This tactic did work out well for me. And I can't imagine it would would out well for most other people. Sure there's the odd duck who honestly doesn't have regrets. But I find that weird. Almost freakish. How can you not have a single regret? It doesn't make any sense to me.

We are human. We are flawed. We will do things we are not proud of and say things we wish we hadn't. It's life. It comes with regrets. Just deal with them and move on. Don't ignore them and let them turn into some psychosis or neurosis that will eventually cost you thousands of dollars in therapy.

Monday Morning You Sure Look Fine

Ah, Monday, here you are again. My nemesis, my bane. But Monday, I have a secret to tell you. I have a shiny new weapon to fight you with today: sleep. For the first time in lord knows how long, I had a good night's sleep. Granted it was only about 6 hours, but that was more than enough for me. Thank you NyQuil Cold and Flu for clearing up my stuffed sinuses and knocking me out by 12:00.

And so this morning not only did I have enough time to make my self a delicious cup of coffee, I actually had time to enjoy it before I left for class. Mmm. Coffee. It's delicious and it gives me a nice buzz that helps me get through the day. I don't know if I entirely care that it's a bad for me. Or is it? Check out this interesting article about the subject. Turns out experts are divided on whether or not coffee is harmful. Everyone acknowledges the caffeine in it is a drug. This is a fact. But does that automatically make it harmful? Who knows? Either way, I'll still  be drinking my possibly detrimental coffee with my possibly toxic fake sugar whenever I get the chance.

Signs It’s Going to be an Interesting Day

I say ‘interesting’ and not ‘good’ because I haven’t been feeling particularly optimistic of late. 

• I woke up with the song, "I Get a Kick Out of You" stuck in my head. The Frank Sinatra version to be specific. This Frank Sinatra version to be more specific. This one actually has a little kick to it.

• Snow. For the first time this year I woke up to snow. And not just any snow. The sticky kind. I could barely see out my window because it was almost entirely covered in in a thick layer of snow. I love snow, but then I get to walk in it. And this snow is the gently falling type. No, it was snowing horizontally this morning. At least it wasn't too cold. Note to self: buy sturdier shows.

• The internet is down. I repeat: the internet is down. (at least in the Tech building it was) What does this mean for a school dependent on the internet for assignments and stuff? Shortened class periods. Nice.

• I learned about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Again. For like this third time this year. Oddly enough, this is first time it was discussed in my psychology class. Which ended early. Because of the internet thing. Nice.

Animated, Underrated

My top five underrated animated films: (it was going to be just Disney, but Dreamworks has had some good ones too)

Again, in no particular order:

The Emperor's New Groove

Road to El Dorado

Atlantis: The Lost Empire

The Prince of Egypt

The Hunchback of Notre Dame 

This post has been sitting my drafts for weeks now. I was going to give reasons as to why these are my favorite, but I'm am just so behind on things and I am being lazy. Forgive me. 

*I might, if I feel so inclined, come back and revise this to give my reasons at a later date. 

Circadian Rhythm

Nope. Not happening. Thank god I'm still young otherwise I'm not sure I could survive this: Getting to bed at around 1:30-2:00 am on the average day. Waking up at 6:30 am most mornings. Go to class until 1:00 pm. By 1:15 I'm back the apartment and usually collapsing into my nice, comfy bed. And before I know it 3, 4, sometimes even 5 hours have gone by, delightfully spent in an exhausted sleep. When I finally emerge from my slumber, it's a rather disconcerting feeling. It takes awhile for me to reorient myself to the world around me. Then I tackle the homework that's been piling up over the week. And I try to fit at least two meals in there somewhere, usually at the most random hours.

And don't even ask me about the weekends.


A side note that has nothing to do with this post:
As I'm writing, someone in this room smells like yard work. Grass, dirt, sweat, and grease. It's not wholly unpleasant, it's just there. Hanging in the air. It's mildly distracting.

A New Segment Called...

...I don't know yet. I still need to come up with a good name. For half a second I considered calling it "Jamie's Poetry Corner" but I just couldn't. Too cliche, too lame.

But that's basically what this is. I'm going to post some of the poems I've written over the years. I've already posted them on another website, but I thought, "Hey, I should post some of them here too!" And so it was written, and so it shall be done. (Ten Commandments reverence. Didn't see that coming, did you?)

This poem is about my hometown. I wrote it for a class, but I still really enjoy it. I hope you do too.

Place

I forget how loud it is here.
How loud water can be.
It's not something one considers
when thinking about water.
Water is noisy.
It rumbles as it rushes by.
The sound bounces
off the concrete and steel beams
of the bridge overhead.
The rocks I stand on are smooth
and a little too slippery.
A result of spring flooding.
They are a dusty rose color.
When I think of rocks I don't think
grey or brown. I think pink.
Rose quartz plucked from the quarry.
There is so much of it here,
the entire place has a pink tinge.

By Jamie Rueckert 

Small Confession

I usually try not to write down my goals. Or even tell people about them. Or even think about them too much.

The reason? I'm afraid I'll jinx them.

Please note that I'm mostly talking about short term, small goals. (like posting here everyday) But sometimes the big ones too. 

More often than not, if I write them down or speak of them, my goals do not get met.  What does this say about me? I'm overly superstitious? I have a pathological fear of commitment, even to the most mundane things? I can't accept responsibility for my own failures so push the blame off on something that isn't even real?

The fact is, I'm more likely to follow through with something if I don't tell anybody or write it down. If I don't make any promises to myself, the chances of success increase. Quite the opposite of how it's supposed to work. Instead of inspiring me to finish what I started, it puts pressure on me that I often can't handle, or, more accurately, just don't want to handle.

I like to think it's because, at my core, I am a bit a perfectionist. I've said it before. If I don't think I can do it perfectly the first time, I often won't even try. I guess that whole message of 'try, try again' was lost somewhere along the way. Or maybe I just decided to go with what Yoda said, "Do or do not. There is no try." The little green bastard. (I'm kidding, I love that ancient alien)

see? it exists.

Over the years though, believe it or not, I have gotten a hell of a lot better at this whole everything-I-do-needs-to-be-perfect thing. For instance, this summer I learned to knit. And I suck at it. But I'm still trying. Or at least I was. The scarf I was working has kinda gotten shelved for the moment. But I fully intend to return to it in the near future.

There. I've written down a goal and I'm sharing it with the Internet. See? I'm trying. I'm learning and growing as an individual. Yay me.

Reheated Soup for Breakfast

Yesterday was not my day. But today. Well, today is also not my day. Up at 6:30 to make it to my 7:35 class. At least that was the plan. That turned into up at 7:03 to rush through everything to make it to my 7:35 class ten minutes early. But there was no one there except the instructor and one other student. Hawkward. So I opened the Internet and started writing to make it look like I'm doing something important. And, oh god, then the instructor started to play "Memory" from Cats.

Yes, it hasn't been my day in a while now. It hasn't been my week in a while. Or my month. Or even my year. (clap clap clap clap clap) But today is Thursday, or as I like to call it, the new Friday. Since I do not have class on Fridays and am currently unemployed, my weekend starts on Thursday afternoon.

Yes, be jealous world. I am in perpetual three-day-weekend mode. Only thing is, it's totally screwing with my sleep schedule. Not to mention that I often forget what day it actually is. Since Thursdays are now Fridays, Wednesdays are Thursdays, and so on. But, alas, Mondays are still Mondays.

Deliciously Disney Ditties

My dreams had a soundtrack last night and I woke up humming "Son of Man" by Phil Collins. Not that I'm complaining by any means. I love Phil Collins and I especially love Disney music. How could I not? My entire generation was practically raised on it. And for good reason. The music from animated Disney movies is amazing. It's no accident that Alan Menken kept getting nominated for Oscars.

Recently, I've been listening to my Disney collection quite often. I'm humming "Hakuna Matata" as I'm walking to class. I go to sleep listening to "The Bells of Notre Dame." I find nothing wrong with
this behavior.

Here's my top five favorite Disney movies based solely on the soundtrack: (in no particular order)

Lion King - Duh. Elton John rocked this and it should be on everyone's favorite list. They didn't turn this movie into a Broadway musical for no reason. The moment in at the very beginning when that first note hits, "Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba!" (actual lyrics, I looked them up) you know something awesome is about to happen. And who as a little kid did not try the their very best to sing along and fail horribly?

Hunchback of Notre Dame - Sweeping melodies, grand orchestral themes, intensely poignant lyrics. All of this in an often overlooked movie because its subject matter is perhaps a little too intense for small children. But when the character Clopin hits that last note in the reprise of "The Bells of Notre Dame," I still get chills.

Pocahontas - The songs in this movie have always held mystical quality for me. Grand and yet simple at the same time. The word 'profound' comes to mind and this music is deserving of it. Also, Pocahontas is one of my favorite Disney heroines. She's independent, fights for what she believes in, and refuses to be a damsel in distress.

Hercules - While the style of music does not match the setting or themes of the movie, it's still a delight to listen to. I don't know who thought gospel music had a place in ancient Greece, but they were a little off. As a child I didn't question. Now watching this movie I'm a little confused by it. It's good music though. And who can argue with the deliciousness that is "Go the Distance"? Michael Bolton knocked that one out the park.

Tarzan - And here's where Phil Collins comes in. He helped compose the entire soundtrack and it is magical. The pounding percussion fits into the film beautifully. His compositions transcended the realm of animated films and became mainstream successes. I still hear "You'll Be in My Heart" on the radio occasionally.

Who Are You People?

I get to math class about ten minutes before it starts. This is normal for me. What isn't normal is walking into a nearly empty room. Usually, half the class is already there by the time I arrive. Not today. There were four other people in the room and I didn't recognize one of them. I looked at the board. Yes, it says Math 115 - Section 7. I double check my calendar. Yes, I have this class at 10:35 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And yet I feel as if I'm in the wrong place. Not one of these faces rings a bell.

As other students to meander in, I get more nervous. I don't recognize any of them at all. Was there a change made that I am unaware of? Did I miss an email? Who are these people?! Then finally, one person, one face (though no name) that I do recall walks in. I am in the right place. Relief.

Then I am struck by the realization that I have no idea who any of these people are. I don't pay them any attention. They are barely blips on my radar. I recognize that there are other people in the room, but I don't take the time to actually see them. This makes me uncomfortable, though I can't exactly say why.

Against My Grain

I'm currently enrolled in a course called Business Communications. And I'm currently in the process of learning to resent it. In fact, I'm beginning resent most of the classes I'm taking. In almost every one of them we have discussed writing for business purposes. The point that has been driven home again and again is that one's writing (and talking) should be done in a small manner. Small words, short paragraphs, simple sentences. I understand why this is the case, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

And I don't like it. In fact, I detest it. It goes against everything I am. I am a word person. I use 'big' words. I expatiate on and on about things and go off on random tangents. Words are what I have. Words are what I am. The thesaurus has been my best friend since I was 12. Ever year in school there were papers to be written and every year they became more complicated. Longer. Everything had to be longer. More words. Find new ways to say the same thing twelve times. Paragraphs are not paragraphs unless they contain at least three sentences. Now five sentences. Now eight sentences. Complex sentences. Compound sentences. Compound words. Rare words. New words. Words words words! (and now it the word 'word' doesn't look like a real word)

But now I've ventured into the 'less is more' territory. Actually, it's more like the 'simple is all you can expect people to understand' territory. I get it. I know not everyone has a vast vocabulary. In business you want your message to be clear and easily understood.

The class itself is not very difficult. It's quite easy really. So I shouldn't be complaining. Half of it is grammar lessons, and I pretty much have that down. I know my grammar. (I just don't use it much here because it's a blog; a forum with very relaxed rules)


But understanding why does not change the fact that every time an instructor tells us that we must keep our sentences short and simple, I grind my teeth a little bit.

Sultry, Snowy Birthdays

As you may or may not be aware, October 5th is my birthday. I mentioned earlier that I always dress up for my birthday. This year was different some how. I just wasn't in the mood to look fancy. Maybe because this year has not been such a good one. Maybe because it was just too freaking cold out to wear a dress. Last year it was 80 degrees on my birthday. But there have been years where it has snowed. I was just feeling down today. So after I spent an hour curling my hair, I put on my favorite pair of jeans and a t-shirt and called it good. But then my dear mother (love you mum!) made my day when I went to visit her at work. She was just so happy to see me, I couldn't help but feel better. And then she went on to spoil me this year and gifted me the following items:

This wine glass with rainbow stripes. I have dubbed him Marco, The Celebration Glass. Originally I was going to call him Little Marvin. But I think I like Marco better. I now realize how silly this picture is since there no liquid in the glass. Trust me though, Marco will be used for his intended purpose very soon. 

For a long time now, this book has been on my list. And now that I own a copy, I have no more excuses not to read it. I've been told, however, to avoid the movie. I think I'll heed this advice and just stick with the book. 

This totally awesome wallet and amazing purse. They do not coordinate with each other at all, but that just makes me love them more. I love mixing things that don't match. It makes life interestingly chaotic.

This totally awesome photo frame. It looks like film! How could you not love it? And yes, those are pictures of me in there. I just stuck some old senior photos I had lying around in it for demonstration purposes only.

You can't really tell from the photo, but that is vintage copy of Jane Eyre. I love it so very, very much. Jane Eyre is one of my all-time favorite novels. I already own another copy, but this one is deliciously vintage. And it smells amazing!

.

 This fascinatingly shaped vase. Not sure if I like how this photo turned out. I look a little too in love with the thing. I'm mean it's totally cool, but it's not that cool. But I'm way too lazy to go and try take a better picture. So I'll just look like a crazy lady who's in love with a red vase on the internet. Ah, well.

This totally kickass mini suitcase. Yeah I know it's meant for a small child and, no, I don't care. It has a freaking elephant sneezing a freaking rainbow. How could I not freaking love it?

And finally this awesome vintage fan. It's old. It's working. And it's probably very dangerous.  But I love it.

I Always Dress Fancy On This Day

Today is my birthday and the world and (most of) its governments now recognize me as being a 22 year old adult. But, lord in heaven, I don't feel it.

Yesterday in class my psych teacher mentioned that it had been somebody's birthday the previous day. At the time he was holding a giant orange balloon. I was about to mention that the next day (today) was my birthday. But the odd smile on his face and the slightly menacing look in his eye made me hesitate. So I kept my mouth shut.

I was right to do so. He was using the balloons as way of demonstrating classical conditioning. The balloon was a neutral stimulus that he turned into a conditioned stimulus. He asked the girl next to me if she liked balloons. She said yes. He asked if she wanted one. She said sure. And then he popped the balloon right in her face. I knew it was going to happen. I jumped anyway. He then moved over to me with a purple balloon and asked if I wanted it. I wanted to say yes just to spite him (and maybe a little bit because I did want the balloon), but I didn't.


Anyway, back to the birthday thing. Here are some fun facts about today:

- I share a birthday with Neil deGrasse Tyson. (and if you don't know who he is, you lead a sad, uninformed life because he's awesome)

- October 5th is the most common birthday in America. (for a moment I thought this was cool, but then I realized I have to share with more people)

- The Beatles released their first hit, "Love Me Do," in Britain on this day in 1962. (this makes me feel like I was somehow destined to become a Beatles fan)

- Also on this day in 1962, Dr. No, the first in the James Bond film series, is released. (I'm not an overly huge fan of James Bond movies, but it's still pretty cool)

- In 1921, the The World Series was broadcast on the radio for the first time. (this just make me happy)

Suddenly Cinema the Sequel

Because everything is a sequel these days.

Looking for Alaska by John Green is an delicious book. Another offbeat coming-of-age tale I read in high school. It has memorable characters and an only slightly predictable plot. An oddball high school guy transfers to a new school and meets some eccentric people and is befriended by them. One of them is a girl named Alaska Young. He falls in love; teenage antics and drama ensue. I'm making it sound really lame, but trust me, it's a good book. So good that Paramount bought the rights to make it into a movie.

When I discovered this, I was not pleased. For those who've read the book, I think you'd agree with me that it would be very difficult to replicate this narrative. Or at least the tension it creates in the first part. And I don't think I would like seeing any actress try to be Alaska.

But the more I think about it, the more interested I am in seeing how Hollywood would try to pull it off. (mostly because the author has said he loves the screenplay that has been written) I know I'd be disappointed, but that goes without saying when seeing a movie based on a book you loved. But, alas, I will probably never have the chance to be let down. Due to lack of interest, Paramount has shelved the project indefinitely. IMDB sill has a page for it, but there nothing on it. See? It's there. Someone cared enough to create a space for it.

Now I've heard wonderful things about the author's other works as well. I'm very interested in reading the other books he's published. John Green has developed a small cult following over the last few years. And apparently Hollywood has taken enough notice to purchase the rights to several of his novels but they don't care enough to actually follow through with any of them. I'm not sure if I'm happy about this or not.

Suddenly Cinema

Why does it seem like every book I read as a teen is being turned into a movie just now?

I meandered onto IMDB again today. It's something I do. Often. And there, right on the front page, was an advertisement for a new movie called Fat Kid Rules the World. I was wary as I clicked the link. Was this for real? Had someone really made of movie of that book? Lo and behold, someone had. And it looks good. Now it's been years since I read this book. I think I must have been about 14 when I did. So my memory of it is kind of hazy. There's this kid who is fat. (spoiler) He becomes friends with this other kid who is a homeless, drug addicted, wanna punk musician. It's an offbeat coming-of-age story. I do remember that I adored it. I'm always nervous to watch movies based on books I've read for the obvious reasons. But the preview looks amazing. I think I just might invest the time and money to see this.

The movie version of The Perks of Being a Wallflower is out in theaters now. I read that book my freshman year of high school. I remember it vividly. Both the book itself and the actual reading of it: I would often be reading that book instead of paying attention in computer class. (sorry Mr. Stone) I won't say the book changed my life, but it did have a significant impact on several of the life choices I made that year. Well, at least that first semester. I don't think I'm going to see the movie. The image I have of Charlie in my head does not match the actor on the screen and I don't know if I can handle that. Also, I don't know how I feel about Emma Watson. I might end up watching it anyway. But I'm not going to pay for it.

Okay, so that was only two. But it seems like a lot more.

You know what? I'm going to include Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, even though that movie came out in '08. I remember ordering that book online from B&N back in the day. I also remember how the day after I got the book in the mail, I saw the first trailer for the movie. I was not overly happy. I never did see the movie. I didn't want to. The book was amazing. Completely amazing. Two teenagers running around New York's underground music scene; getting caught making out in a motel supply closet; meeting a transvestite named Tony, or Toni, possibly Toné? What more could you want from an offbeat coming-of-age story? (I'm starting to notice a pattern) But I could tell, just from the trailers, that the movie did not follow the book at all. They made it into a Micheal Cera comedy. All elbows and awkwardness. I had no desire to see that again.

And while I'm at it, I'm going to give an honorable mention to the made-for-TV movie version of Speak. Actually, I'm not very happy about this one either. I read the book when I was 13. The movie came out in '04. It stared a then little known actress named Kristen Stewart. I didn't want to watch then and I definitely don't want to watch it today.

Little Miss, Little Miss, Little Miss Can't Be Wrong

A meandering meditation on the malevolence of mathematics - written with pencil and paper while not paying attention in class; later transcribed while listening to hits of the nineties 

And on to Chapter 10! Math class just got twice as bothersome. We are now required to shut our computers while the instructor discusses the lesson. The girl across the room is sitting in a chair that squeaks. I can't tell if that sound is more annoying than the instructor's voice or not. His voice puts me to sleep, he has the worst grammar, and he speaks with a lisp. How am I going to survive the rest of this class without the comfort of the fifth wall? There is nothing to shield me now. I feel quite exposed. It's like being back in high school. Scratch that. It's like being back in middle school. That's the level of math we are at in here.

I feel obnoxious with my graphing calculator. Pretentious, ridiculous. This class makes me feel stupid. Not because I don't understand the material, but because I actually do understand it. This is seriously low level stuff. But I guess that's the level I'm at. Numbers were never my thing. They don't fit together in my head the way words do. But this? This ridiculousness? This stuff is so very easy for me. And that just tells me how elementary it is.

I think part of the reason I always struggled with math is my need to understand why. Why are these the rules and what do they mean? How do they work? And my little brain could just not wrap itself around all these theories and concepts. So whenever I looked at an equation I would stare at the different components and try to understand why. But the thing is, there is no real "why". Things just are. I'm sure there are "whys" and anyone who knows math well enough could probably explain them to me. But there is no way I'll ever understand them. All of that is way beyond me.

Another reason I hate math is the simple fact that I hate being wrong. And more often than not, I'm wrong when it comes to numbers. So I never really tried in math. It was easier to just give up than risk being wrong again and again. It's the perfectionist in me. If I can't do it perfect, I won't do it at all. Another personality flaw.

And so, after many years of battling numbers, I am left with the notion that I will never understand them, and I don't really care to try.

Crapehanger

I would never consider myself a pessimistic person. But I am not an optimist either. I like to think of myself as a realist with hopeful tendencies. However, there are times in life when even the stoutest heart can no longer stand against the tide of misfortune that life deals out. And I, by no stretch of the imagination, have an overly stout heart.

I lay the blame of my current gloomy mood on five distinct factors:

1) I have had the same cold for weeks now. Admittedly, I haven't done much to get rid of it. I have just kind of accepted this state of perpetual non-wellness as part of life. And I suppose spending the last three weekends sleeping on the floor of my best friends' house hasn't helped much.

2) It feels like an eternal Monday. You know that peculiar feeling that Mondays have? The one that Garfield isn't fond of? I have been experiencing that almost everyday for the last few weeks, weekends excluded. It hasn't been fun and it does nothing to improve my outlook on life.

3) My procrastination demon has returned. I didn't expect him to stay away long. And he is back with a vengeance. I realize that personifying my predilection for procrastination is a way to absolve myself of blame, but it helps me cope with my personality flaws. At this time, I am unsure if I will be able to fight him off again but I'm going to damn well try.

rory! nooooo!

4) As expected, the Ponds broke my heart. I am of course referring to the former companions of Doctor Who. They have left the show and did so in classic Steven Moffat fashion. That bastard. He's just so damn good at toying with my emotions. I am not ashamed to admit that I was sobbing by then end of the episode. While I wasn't that attached to Amy, Rory was one of my favorites and I will miss him almost as much as I miss the tenth doctor.

5) Worknik's word of the day today was crapehanger. Sometimes it seems as though Wordnik chooses its word of the day with me specifically in mind. Because this word just fit how I was feeling this morning and it prompted me to write this post. In fact, I think it deserves Post Title status.

crapehanger n. A morose, gloomy, or pessimistic person.