Crapehanger

I would never consider myself a pessimistic person. But I am not an optimist either. I like to think of myself as a realist with hopeful tendencies. However, there are times in life when even the stoutest heart can no longer stand against the tide of misfortune that life deals out. And I, by no stretch of the imagination, have an overly stout heart.

I lay the blame of my current gloomy mood on five distinct factors:

1) I have had the same cold for weeks now. Admittedly, I haven't done much to get rid of it. I have just kind of accepted this state of perpetual non-wellness as part of life. And I suppose spending the last three weekends sleeping on the floor of my best friends' house hasn't helped much.

2) It feels like an eternal Monday. You know that peculiar feeling that Mondays have? The one that Garfield isn't fond of? I have been experiencing that almost everyday for the last few weeks, weekends excluded. It hasn't been fun and it does nothing to improve my outlook on life.

3) My procrastination demon has returned. I didn't expect him to stay away long. And he is back with a vengeance. I realize that personifying my predilection for procrastination is a way to absolve myself of blame, but it helps me cope with my personality flaws. At this time, I am unsure if I will be able to fight him off again but I'm going to damn well try.

rory! nooooo!

4) As expected, the Ponds broke my heart. I am of course referring to the former companions of Doctor Who. They have left the show and did so in classic Steven Moffat fashion. That bastard. He's just so damn good at toying with my emotions. I am not ashamed to admit that I was sobbing by then end of the episode. While I wasn't that attached to Amy, Rory was one of my favorites and I will miss him almost as much as I miss the tenth doctor.

5) Worknik's word of the day today was crapehanger. Sometimes it seems as though Wordnik chooses its word of the day with me specifically in mind. Because this word just fit how I was feeling this morning and it prompted me to write this post. In fact, I think it deserves Post Title status.

crapehanger n. A morose, gloomy, or pessimistic person.

To grow from the grass I love

isn't it adorable?

I bought my copy of Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass about eight years ago. I purchased this book for three reasons. One, my high school freshman English class had just read a selection of his work. Two, I had just seen Dead Poets Society for the first time. And three, it was $2 in the bargain section at Barnes and Noble.

When I brought it home, I read a few poems but it quickly ended up sitting on one of my bookshelves where it gathered dust for a few years. Then I saw a movie that became one of my all time favorites: the 1942 classic Now, Voyager. Not only did the picture cement my love for both Bette Davis and Paul Henreid, but it also rekindled my interest in Mr. Whitman's work. The title is taken from one of his poems. It's a short little thing. Only two lines. But I know them by heart.

The untold want by life and land ne'er granted
Now voyager sail thou forth to seek and find.

It was after seeing this movie that I picked up Whitman's book again. And this time I fell in love. I loved the way his poems seemed more like random strings of thought carelessly woven together and less like painstaking planned out lines of verse. And nothing was off the table for this man. He wrote about the mundane parts of life but also the ethereal and the marvelous aspects of living on this earth. His poems about love were so much more that simple love poems. They were about people, places, himself. This man loved everything. Through his words, I could feel what he felt. It was one of the first times that poetry had actually moved me.

The soul,
Forever and forever - longer than soil is brown and solid - longer than water ebbs and flows.
I will make the poems of materials, for I think they are to be the most spiritual poems,
And I will make the poems of my body and of mortality,
For I think I shall then supply myself with the poems of my soul and of immortality.

So when I ventured off to college, I brought my little tome with me. (along with my copies of Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice, and Kiss of the Night) It wasn't until my sophomore year that I started taking English courses where we actually analyzed and assessed literature. I don't remember which class and I don't even remember which professor, but Walt Whitman was eventually mentioned. It was inevitable really. I was completely expecting it. What I wasn't expecting was the impact it would have on me.

I find I can no longer read Leaves of Grass the way I used to. The words no longer dance around in my head. They are as flat as the page they've been printed on. It's as if the life has been sucked out of Whitman's  poems.

Reading these poems at a high school level is one thing. Reading them at a college level is entirely different. In high school, they were merely introducing us to them. Saying, "Hi, how are ya? People think I'm pretty neat. Maybe you should look me up sometime, check me out for yourself." In college, they were dissected right in front of me, like they do the frogs in science class. Picking them apart, comparing them to other specimens.

And now I'm making it sound as if my time spent as an English major was terrible. It wasn't really. I enjoyed analyzing, criticizing, discussing literature. The majority of the time I found it to be exhilarating and fascinating. It's just that Leaves of Grass was so personal to me, it was difficult to listen to what the "experts" had to say about it.

So now I'm left with a flat, emotionless collection of poems that once upon a time inspired me. Perhaps if I give it time, the effects of those classes will wear off and I can once again read Leaves of Grass through my own eyes and not some scholar's.

He most honors my style who learns under it to destroy the teacher.

No Introspection Before 10 AM

I stayed up way too late last night. A common mistake with the usual consequences. Woke up with just a half hour to get ready for class. Thank the good lord I had the foresight to shower the night before. And so here I am in General Psychology on time. Actually I'm five minutes early. On my short walk here I had some time to think. It's something I usually do when walking. Only problem is sometimes I travel down roads I didn't mean to (both physical and metaphorical) when I let my mind wander.

The first thing I thought as I stepped out the door and into the brisk morning was,"Damn. Colder than anticipated." And so I cursed myself for not thinking to grab a jacket. Then I cursed the guy in the red van for not yielding to pedestrians. I rolled my eyes as I passed a parked car that had paint on its back window declaring, "LOVE YOU" with a little heart and all. How cynical am I? But I quickly rationalized this by thinking I'm not cynical, I'm just not into cliches like these.

And then in the space of a time in takes me to walk one block, I went through an lengthy inner monologue, criticizing myself for always rationalizing and then defending myself by reassuring myself that I am only human and then again I criticize myself for making excuses yet again. Look at where making excuses has gotten me. Look at where my life is. This is not where I want to be at this point in my life. (both physically and metaphorically) This line of thought continues on and on and goes way too deep for 7:30 am. And so, not three minutes later, I arrive at class in tiff. Because I am lacking sleep and because I've just had some personal revelations way too early in the morning that will probably prove useless by noon.

My Room Smells Like Coffee and Incense

This summer has been a little hellish for me. I didn't accomplish much of anything. But I survived, so I'm counting that as a win. Now the end is in sight and a new beginning lies just over the horizon. Things will be very different this year. That leaves me feeling more than a little nervous, but also cautiously optimistic.

Now I feel like sharing a few things that got me through these endless days:

1. Cinnamon Coffee

After an entire year of consuming Cinnamon Roll Lattes almost daily via Java City, I was more than a little lost without them. But halfway through the summer I came up with the inspiring idea of adding a pinch of cinnamon to my regular coffee. I know, I know. This idea should have been much more obvious. Trust me, I hit myself in the head like those folks in the V8 commercials used to do when the realization finally came to me. And it turns out, adding cinnamon to coffee has unforeseen benefits.

2. Doctor Who

a big ball of wibbly wobbly time-y wimey stuff

The first episode I ever saw of Doctor Who was "Blink" way back when I was probably about 16. I remember thinking, "What is this delicious piece of science fiction?" Ever since then, the show has been on my to do list. At the beginning of this summer, I finally got around to watching the series. Now I am an unapologetic Whovian and a big fan of anything David Tennant does. Also, I finally have something to talk about with my brother.

3.  Historical Murder Mysteries

Over the past few years I have developed a liking for a very certain type of novel: historical fiction that features a female detective. It has all the fun a your average historical fiction murder mystery with the added element of the struggle of a women to escape the shackles of a repressed society. Watching these characters begin to ask questions that ladies of quality ought naught ask and then learn to navigate the treacherous waters of the underbelly of polite society provides hours of entertainment. Grisly murders, depraved villains, intrepid detectives, French spies, and mad kings. What more could you ask for?

4. Cardigans

Even with this 90+ degree weather, I still wear a cardigan almost everyday. In my defense, I live in the basement and it gets really cold when the air conditioner is on. Besides, I never feel more like myself than when I am wearing one of my favorite cardigans.

Super

I've been thinking about superheroes. More specifically, what kind of superpowers I would like to have if I were to become a superhero. I've narrowed it down to two.
One option is telekinesis because A) I’m kinda lazy and B) that one scene in Matilda when she’s dancing around in the living room and making all the cards and poker chips fly around…I’ve always wanted to do that.
Otherwise I'd pick time control. But I wouldn't want to go back and change anything. I've read my Ray Bradbury. I ain't stepping on no butterfly and bringing back the dinosaurs. I would just want to go back and watch history happen. I’d probably start with ancient Greece. Because those guys kind of invented western civilization. It'd be kinda cool to see how they worked that out. But I wouldn't want my presence to change history. I’d still like to interact with the world and ask people questions. How cool would it be to have dinner with Mark Twain or Leonardo da Vinci? Of course then I'd need to learn Italian... Maybe I should just get a TARDIS. Problem solved.
Oh! I'd also like to freeze time and maybe mess with people a little. Stop everything and move some things around. Of course I wouldn't be too villainous. I would use my powers for good and only minimal personal gain.
I don't think I'd want to be able to travel into the future though. Obviously it would be the most profitable part of time travel. You just pop forward a bit, see the winning lotto numbers and bam! Pay dirt. But if I were to foresee a tragedy I would feel compelled to stop it. And I feel like that would messing with fate a bit too much.

What then would my superhero name be? Well that would depend on what power I had. That's how most of them get their names anyway. Like The Green Lantern has his green lantern. And Iron Man has his iron suit. Batman has his whole bat thing. And Spider-Man, and so on and so forth.
Then what about Superman? Eh. I feel like naming him Superman was kind lazy, you know? But he was one of the first superheroes so I guess that’s okay then. Mr. Fantastic, however, has no excuse. But then again, what would you name a superhero with elastic limbs and not have it sound completely lame? Or sexual? You could call him Rubber Man. That’d be kinky.
But just consider the X-Men. Wolverine. He looks like a wolverine with his claws and his funky hairdo. Storm with her whole weather thing. Cyclops with his special eyes. Magneto, Beast, Iceman. They make sense. The only one I never understood was Rogue. But again, what would you name someone with the power to drain others of their powers? Drain-o Girl? I bet you’d love to have her clean your pipes.

Keep in mind, dear reader, that I’m just going off the movies. I adore superhero movies. I never got into the actual comic books. How could I? It wasn’t like there were any local comic book stores I could just walk to on a Saturday afternoon. So where I would I get them? I did watch some of the cartoons. I remember watching Batman, Spider-Man and the X-Men when I was a kid. Grew out of that pretty quickly though. But this trend of over-the-top superhero movies? I love it. I'm just dying to see The Avengers and I cannot wait for The Dark Knight Rises. The latest Spider-Man reboot, however, I can take or leave. The trailers don't look too promising to me. So I'll most likely leave it.

Nine Things About Jamie

No essential information. Just random facts. About me. Enjoy.

I like to use the word delicious and apply it to things that are not food. Like books or movies. Such as, The Gargoyle is a delicious book. Or Sherlock Holmes is delicious movie, for several reasons.

On a normal day, it takes at least three alarms to wake me up in the morning. Sometimes more. Usually more. I’m not really one for rising and shining. It’s not my thing.

I am a huge fan of new jack swing. I have always loved it and I probably always will, even though that genre of music is no longer in vogue. (and if you get that pun, you’re my hero)

I like the word ‘druthers.’ Don’t know why. I just do. It’s not my favorite word, but I do enjoy it when people use it everyday conversations and I wish people did so more often. I especially enjoy it when people use it correctly.

I am a bit of a grammar freak. I wouldn’t say I’m up to the level of a grammar-nazi, but I do greatly enjoy it when people use their/there and your/you’re correctly in written forms communication. It turns me on. A misplaced comma or a run on sentence or two don’t bother me. It’s the simple things that get me. Like if people use seen/saw incorrectly, it physically hurts me to hear it. I don’t usually correct people when speaking to them. I just wince and cry a little on the inside.

When I’m cleaning, I listen to Giants of the Big Band Era. Les Brown, Benny Goodman, Tommy Dorsey. These are my guys. They help me focus. I can sway as I dust and polish.

I am not afraid of spiders. I’m not particularly fond of them. But if I see one, even a big fat hairy one, I’m like BAM! Squished, dead. Not with my bare hand though. That’d be gross. But I am terrified of centipedes. Anything with more than eight legs freaks me right out. Even thinking about those little bastards makes my skin crawl.

My favorite actress, well one of my favorite actress, of the Golden Era of Hollywood is Ida Lupino. She was just amazing. Stunning, brilliant, talented, beautiful, awesome. And while she was quite famous in her time, her name has not stood the test of time like some of her contemporaries. This is unfortunate because she was amazing, in case I hadn't already mentioned that. And, quick history lesson, she was one of the first female directors in Hollywood and the first woman to direct a film noir. So she was kind of badass.

I still remember the first music video I ever saw. I would’ve been about six or seven years old. I walked into the family room to find my older sister was watching VH1, a channel I was not allowed to watch at that age. But I sat down and watched anyway. Torn by Natalie Imbruglia was playing. And this was my introduction to music television. As a bonus, the second music video I ever saw was Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden.

Aw Yeah!

I'm so proud of myself. Is that a bad thing? To be proud of what you've done? Aren't polite people supposed to be humble and modest about their accomplishments? I usually don't like to boast. It's not courteous. Oh, who cares! I'm proud of myself today and I don't care who knows it. This morning, I was up a full hour before my first class, a feat I have not been able to achieve since freshman year. A reason to be proud indeed.
Oh wait, there was something else. Some other reason for me to be proud and boastful. What was it again? Oh yeah! This:

wabam!

Yeah that's right. Second place in a national competition. I made crowns for our production of Metamorphoses. We brought them to the American College Theater Festival and entered them in the allied crafts competition. And we, little old DSU (who has no theater major or any real budget) won second place against the big boys. Elation!
And yeah, they spelled my name wrong.

On The Plus Side, I Just Got New Glasses

If one cares to look at the time stamp on this post they well notice that it is after four in the morning. As I write this I am fully aware that my time would be best spent sleeping at this moment. Unfortunately, I have been experiencing a small case of insomnia these past few weeks. Every other time there was no real reason for my sleepless state. However, tonight there is an excuse for me being awake at this ungodly hour: money. Or more accurately, my lack of it. The truth of the matter is that I have no idea how I’m going to pay for school this semester. If I dropped a couple courses I’m sure I could finagle a way to pay. But as it stands, I’m already going to be in school for five years. I do not want to turn that into six. There are other options I’m sure. (anyone know who to talk to about selling a kidney?) I’ll figure something out. But it’s really difficult to stay positive when you’re sleep deprived. Everything looks kind of hopeless at four in the morning. So here I sit in a state of panic, unable to shut my eyes and just go to sleep. I know there’s nothing I can do about it at this moment and things will probably look better in tomorrow morning. (and by tomorrow I mean Sunday and by morning I mean when the sun is up, Dave)

As a side note, there is absolutely nothing on TV at four am. Even the infomercials suck at this time of night. Or day. Whatever. 

Ahh, Sweet Sitcomy Goodness

It's five days into 2012 and I all can say is that I hope it gets better. As it stands, this new year has gotten off to a less than stellar start. I've spent the last week watching an obscene about of The Big Bang Theory. (caught up on all five seasons in five days, a personal record.)

And now I've moved onto How I Met Your Mother. It might take me longer to catch up on that one since there are seven seasons to be watched. But since I have no life at the moment, it seems like a worthy endeavor and a legitimate way to waste my time.
In between watching too many fluffy sitcoms, I have been able to catch up on a bit of my reading. I'll put in a quick word for my latest literary adventure, The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson. Only about halfway through, but thus far it has turned out to be quite delicious. But I digress.

Needless to say, I am more than ready to get back to real life. Not that I haven't enjoyed this time at home with my family. I'm just going a little crazy here.

Reflections and Projections

Well, here it is. 2012. Our last year on earth. On the positive side, if the world does end this year, there'll be no more student loans looming over my head.
But back in the real world.
Now is usually the time of year when one is called to both reflect and make plans for the future. I don't think I'll be doing either of those. 2011 is still quite fresh in my mind and as such, I have no desire to analyze all the alarming things that occurred within its 12 months. Oh I admit, there were a few moments that I am quite fond of. But the overall feeling of the year was one of panic and despondency. I can only hope that 2012 will bring something new to the table. Perhaps a little hope? But optimism was never my strong suit.
As for my plans for the future, those remain relatively unchanged. Continue with school and try not to die. I was never one for making new years resolutions as I can never seem to keep any of them. Much like whenever I was up to bat in softball, there was too much pressure and never enough follow through.
Now is also the time of year when people are making lists. From the top music videos to the top ten people not running for president, everybody has a list. So here is my list of the top five artists that I listened to the most this past year:
Florence + the Machine
Mumford and Sons
Shinedown
Mika
U2

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful New Year!